“Mum spent a lot of time in my formative years gently reminding me that people don’t think about us nearly as much as we think they do, because they’re all busy worrying what people are thinking about them.” CBR13 Review 17 & 18.

Imagine a high school that has zero teachers or staff, just students trying to learn and advance. When you show up the first day of freshman year you don’t leave until graduation day senior year. All you have with you is what you had in your pockets or even in your mouth — No suitcases or trunks. 

It’s a school of magic, but not like Hogwarts or Watford. 

And that school is actively trying to kill you.

This is the world that our “heroine,” El (that’s short for Galadriel, naturally) live in. She goes to the Scholomance*, a school of magic on another plane of existence entirely, and all she wants is to survive, and get back to her mother in rural Wales. The odds are against her – by her junior year, El hasn’t formed any alliances, and doesn’t have anyone to watch her back during “graduation.”

Oh, and graduation? No speeches and diplomas. You simply fight for your life against the monsters and creatures that have been waiting all year long to eat you. If you get from one end of the graduation hall to the other, and can get through the portal door without being eaten, you graduate.

Without alliances (both inside the school and back at home), you are likely to die before the end of senior year. There are hungry monsters (or mals, in these books) in the bathrooms, in the food lines in the cafeteria, even in your mattress or pillow. 

El works alone, building up the magical energy (or mana) that she needs for spells by doing sit ups and crocheting in her spare time. She could take the easy route and steal energy (or malia) from others, as she is apparently the most gifted student of her age (and maybe ever?), but she is afraid of how that power would change her.

And halfway through her junior year, El finds herself sort-of-dating Orion, the greatest mal slayer she has ever seen. Orion hails from the most powerful enclave of wizards in the world – New York City – and he is their greatest weapon. He builds up so much mana by slaying the mals around him (or that he hunts for), that his entire enclave can survive off of him, sharing his mana with cool little magic fitbits (or something like that…worn on the wrist but not really a watch?). Orion rushes around the school saving other kids from the monsters hiding in the shadows and El really, really resents him for it. Nobody wastes their own mana saving someone else. You need to look out for yourself.

El slowly makes some friends, who realize an alliance with her is a huge asset. Her spell casting is like nothing any of them have seen before, and if they stick with her, their chances for graduating are that much higher.

The first book, A Deadly Education, is the story of El’s junior year, the beginning of her relationship with Orion, and the creation of her alliance with her new friends. The second book, The Last Graduate, is all about senior year, and how El and her friends plan to graduate.

I freaking adored these books. 

They were funny and scary and slightly unhinged. I could not put them down. At the end of the first book, I only had to wait a few days before the second, preordered one, came in the mail. At the end of the second, I said “WHAT?” out loud and then realized it will be months, if not years, before the third book comes out, and that was not a great feeling.

I loved that Novik explained some things, but didn’t explain everything about this world. The first page just dumped us straight into the story, with very little introduction. Figure it out on your own, reader. 

I can’t wait for the third book, The Golden Enclaves.  

*I was today years old when I learned that the term Scholomance is an actual term from folklore. From Wikipedia:
The Scholomance^[a]  was a fabled school of black magic in Romania, especially in the region of Transylvania. It was run by the Devil according to folkloric accounts. The school enrolled about ten students to become the Solomonari. Courses taught included the speech of animals and magic spells. One of the graduates was chosen by the Devil to be the Weathermaker and tasked with riding a dragon to control the weather.

The school lay underground, and the students remained unexposed to sunlight for the seven-year duration of their study. The dragon was kept submerged in a mountaintop lake, south of Sibiu, according to some accounts.

“Why, oh, why did you have to give birth to a son who hasn’t given us a moment’s peace since the day he was born?” CBR13 Reviews 12-16.

I know I have written about this magical place before, but I need to reiterate that for a kid who loved to read, there was no greater place on earth than The New England Mobile Book Fair. It was a huge wholesale book warehouse in my hometown, and my mom’s favorite place to go. While she browsed the aisles looking for paperbacks by Ngaio Marsh, Barbara Pym, Dorothy Sayers, and MC Beaton, I would sit on the concrete floor, way in the back corner of the building, where the kids book series were (and also tons of those awesome invisible ink “yes and no” books. Those were amazing.) I bought box sets of paperbacks by Judy Blume, EB White, Daniel M Pinkwater, and John D Fitzgerald. I didn’t always know the books before I picked them out, but I figured if they were being sold in a set, they must be pretty good.

And that’s how I discovered The Great Brain. I had the box set with the first five books in the series: The Great Brain, More Adventures of The Great Brain, Me and My Little Brain, The Great Brain at the Academy, and The Great Brain Reforms.

These books are about John “JD” Fitzgerald, the youngest of three brothers (and later older brother to an adopted fourth brother) in rural Utah in the late 1800s. JD lives in the shadow of his brother Tom, “the Great Brain”, who he sees as a great thinker and problem solver, but who the rest of the town sees as a smart kid who is on his way to being a con man.

I loved these books. I can remember reading the first book at least 50 times. I was obsessed with one part in particular, when the boys’ friend Andy Anderson (I know!) steps on a rusty nail, has his leg amputated, and wants to die, because his dad thinks a boy with a peg leg is worthless. As a kid, I thought Tom’s solution to Andy’s situation was absolutely amazing.

As an adult, I was horrified by the whole thing. Tom conned Andy out of the one thing in his life he loved, his brand new erector set. He taught Andy how to walk, run, and balance himself, sure, but he still only did it for selfish reasons. Meanwhile, while Tom was trying to teach Andy how to relearn everything he already knew, JD was trying to help Andy commit suicide. Wow. I didn’t remember it being so dark.

And that’s pretty much the experience I had rereading these first 5 books.

Sure, Tom solves lots of problems, and even saves a few lives, which is great. But he only helps out for selfish reasons, usually involving money. Tom is obsessed with money and will do anything for a few dollars. He takes and takes and takes, and is shocked when, in the fifth book, all of the kids who have previously been cheated and swindled by Tom put him on trial and refuse to be his friend any longer. I only vaguely remember that part from my childhood, but it was most certainly my favorite part as an adult. Tom is, quite frankly, the worst.

Over the course of the books, here are a few of the “good deeds” that Tom does for the town: he saves two young boys who get lost in a cave, he finds his way home after his dad gets the boys lost on a camping trip, he saves the town from being completely ruined by a couple of real conmen, he organizes a funeral for the town’s beloved stray dog, sure, he does a few good things here and there. But most of the time, we find out after the fact, that Tom had selfish reasons to do so. Usually involving money, or the chance to make money.

And here are a few of the misguided, and awful things that Tom does: he prints a newspaper filled with nasty gossip and hearsay, he gets a teacher fired (by setting him up as an alcoholic) because the teacher was mean to him, he charges kids money for absurd things like looking at flushing toilet in his house (the first installed in town) or playing basketball in his yard, he swindles kids out of their most prized possessions just because he can, he cheats at games so he can win money, he lies to priests who are mean to him… Good god. I could go on and on.

All of the things that I thought were cool when I was a kid just infuriated me as an adult. And Tom’s parents annoyed me, too. Time and time again, Tom would assure them that he was “reformed” and “doing the right thing,” and they always believed him, until it was too late, and they realized he was conning them too.

The books are a fascinating slice of life at a certain time. The Fitzgerald family were Catholic in a mostly mormon area, and had to send their boys away to Salt Lake City after 6th grade in order to get a catholic education, and there was little to no understanding of other cultures or religions. There was a lot of fighting and name calling that would not be seen as acceptable if written today. Indoor plumbing and telephones were brand new. Taking a train was a big deal. Girls had to wear dresses all the time. And kids who didn’t do their chores or disrespected their parents, well, they got “whipped.”

The books were really interesting to reread after so many years. There were tons of parts I remembered vividly: JD getting the mumps on purpose so he could force his brothers to get them, too. The warning on the train to Salt Lake City that if you opened the window, you could get a burning cinder in your eye. Tom making a key out of a bar of soap and a whittled piece of wood. The Fitzgeralds getting a toilet installed in their house and being the laughingstocks of the town. Tom teaching the new kid from Greece how to be a real, American boy. Tom rubbing liver on the bottom of his shoes so that the dogs he was with would be able to find their way out of a dark cave. And JD learning to swim by his brothers just throwing him off of a diving board into a deep swimming hole.

But I really didn’t remember the big trial at the pinnacle of The Great Brain Reforms. Tom gets an idea to run a rafting business, so he and JD build a raft and charge kids for rides down the river. When it is clear that a storm is coming and the river levels are dangerously unsafe, Tom ignores all of the warnings, keeps running trips, and has a terrible accident, where a few of his friends almost die. After that, all of the kids from the previous books come together to complain about how he cheated them or stole from them, or caused them to be beaten or otherwise punished by their parents. They put on a makeshift trial, Tom is found guilty, and he returns everything that he has swindled from the other kids in town: sports equipment, coonskin caps, knives, air rifles, and assorted other toys and games. And Tom makes a big speech about feeling remorse and changing his ways, but we all know that those are just words, and Tom’s ‘great brain’ is already planning his next scheme.

I honestly can’t remember if I ever read the next two books in the series: The Return of the Great Brain and The Great Brain Does it Again, but I’ll try to see if I can get them on my kindle. I kind of need to know what happens to Tom after the trial and his “reformation”.

I’m so glad I resisted these classics. While I viewed them differently than I did as a kid, I still loved them. And I love the memories that the books brought back to me, the days shopping for books with my mom, and coming home with something new that I had discovered at the Book Fair.

What the Smuck? CBR13 Reviews 10 & 11.

While I have been COVID telecommuting, I have tried to get out in the early afternoon for a nice 45 minute walk. I’ve been listening to a bit of Stephen King while I walk — I’ve already read all of his books, so listening (even to the scary stuff) is somewhat easy and comforting. If I lose my train of thought, no big deal. The story just goes on.

This year, I listened to two books I had previously read, Lisey’s Story and ‘Salem’s Lot.

I first read Lisey’s Story when it was released in 2006, and thought it was pretty much the worst book King had ever written. But when Apple TV announced they had adapted it into a miniseries with Julianne Moore, and that King himself was working the screenplay, I decided to give it another chance.

Guess what?

Still the worst book King has ever written. Although King states that it is his favorite. I guess Uncle Stevie and this constant reader will just have to agree to disagree on this one.

I could have handled it if it had simply been a straightforward story about love, grief, fame, terror, abuse, and insanity. I could have even handled a story about a secret world that only some people had access to just by thinking about it (similar to flipping to The Territories in The Talisman, or using the doors in The Dark Tower).

But what I couldn’t stand was the language. The made up nonsense words that Scott used in his everyday patois. Smucking. Boo’ya Moon. Bool. Ugh. No. And the constant use of the term “baby love” just about drove me crazy.

I only lasted two episodes when I tried to watch the miniseries. I will not be revisiting it.

I had the complete opposite reaction to my reread of ‘Salem’s Lot.

I first read this so long ago, I can barely remember it. I’m pretty sure it was the third or fourth King book I ever read…so I’m guessing 8th grade?

We all know that ‘Salem’s Lot is about vampires. But what I had forgotten was that the vampire action doesn’t even start until halfway through the book. The first half of the story is filled with with King does better than just about any other writer out there today: descriptions of everyday life and regular people in a small town (in Maine, naturally). We get to know dozens of characters, and become familiar with the minutia of their lives. Some we like, and some we don’t, just like real life.

Which makes it all the more frightening when people start dying.

Its funny, the little bits that I remember from the first time I read this were only about the vampires. I didn’t remember anything about the town or its residents. My most vivid memory is of Danny Glick, hovering outside Mark Petrie’s window, begging to be let it. If I guessed, I would have said that scene happens at the beginning of the story, right after Barlow and Straker move to town. But that scene is more than halfway through the book. Strange how memory works.

I was also interested to read about Father Callahan, a major player in the Dark Tower books, as I couldn’t really remember what he was like in his life before the Calla. He was quite an interesting character. A man of god struggling with his faith and his sobriety, who joins the fight against Barlow and the vampires without a second thought, and fights bravely, until he is bested by Barlow, causing him to flee ‘Salem’s Lot and leaving his friends behind.

Its obvious that this book was written in the 1970s. There is a lot of sexism and many utterings of slurs that aren’t exactly considered politically correct these days. And the smoking! Everyone had cigarettes at the ready! But other than those relatively minor quibbles, the story holds up. And its still scary as hell.